Times Like These by Mike Andrews, editor

Pity poor U.S. District Judge Lee R. West. He is the Oklahoma City judge who sided with telemarketers, blocking the implementation of the do-not-call list.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that it didn't take 15 seconds for disgruntled telephone owners across the country to

aim their weapons at Judge

West. His office was besieged with calls.

Evidently, people no longer believe in the free enterprise system, judging from the fact that nearly everyone thinks it's OK for the government to keep a list of phone numbers salesmen can't call.

All the really dangerous stuff must already be illegal, because laws to keep us from being annoyed by telemarketers are now all the rage.

If politicians want a list of annoying things that need to be outlawed, I'm here to oblige.

I would start by asking Washington to outlaw that "Come see us at Cells-U-Mor" kid. He needs a sock stuffed in his mouth. And while they're at it, tell that little salesman guy that we already know that Battison Auto Sales is "at the Lawton-Duncan Y."

How about putting a legal cap on the wind at 10 miles per hour?

Maybe they could pass a law that requires a cap on the number of guests on talk shows like Maury Povitch who are from Mississippi and Alabama. There have to be eligible guests from other places. And while we're at it, they should pass a law to keep such shows from ever running "send a juvenile delinquent to boot camp" episodes. We've already seen that one. Move

on!

Any toilet that doesn't completely flush the first time should be immediately impounded. People who put the replacement roll of toilet tissue on the back of the toilet without replacing the empty one in the dispenser should be fined.

I don't mind people who cut across parking lots, but anyone who assumes the right-of-way while crossing through parking lots instead of following the lanes should immediately go to jail. They should not pass go. They should not collect $200.

It should be illegal for morning news shows to interview participants in that network's own reality programs.

All restaurants with TVs should be required to have closed-captioning so we can read what's going on when the conversation gets boring.

No utility and service (cable, phone, cell phone, power and especially credit card companies) should be allowed to keep us on hold more than 10 minutes.

Fast food drive-through should be forced to give you a reasonable number of ketchups. As it is, you either get two or 200.

I really find it ironic that we live in an age where everyone is acquiring 15 different phone lines so we can have cell phones and beepers and Internet access so we can be constantly accessible, but then want laws to keep people from accessing us.

I really empathize with Judge West. I'd call him to tell him to keep a stiff upper lip if only I could get through.